Since you were a little kid, you wanted to be well-liked and have lots of friends. And the thought of knowing you had too few made you feel inadequate, like there was seriously something wrong with you.  So what did you do?  You sought out other children you felt would be just like you.

And while you hung out with other kids, you observed what they did and tried to follow their act.  Most likely, these children played a sport of some kind like four-square, hop scotch, baseball, or basketball.  You observed how they played and tried your best to do as they did as a means of making friends.  

As a child, you also interacted with your family and relatives.  Unfortunately, they did not always react to you in a positive manner.  You received criticism and rejection for things you’ve done or said, or just things about your personal character.  You’ve done tasks or made projects that didn’t quite meet their expectations and they made cruel remarks.  Knowing you failed to satisfy them, this made you try even harder to try and win their validation in the future.  

So if you were told, when are you ever gonna get your shit together, that should be a wake-up call!

Being criticized or reprimanded has negatively impacted you. When things you’ve done turned out bad, you were hurt by adverse comments or actions people have taken against you.  It was then, from these experiences that you formed your own personal beliefs and fears toward people and reality.  You then learn from these mishaps and create your own set of rules to prevent them from happening again.

Bad experiences encountered while growing up turn into life-long fears and beliefs about reality.  Painful emotional experiences are often called engrams.  

HOW WE BECOME PEOPLE- PLEASERS 

We as humans are social creatures.  Having friends and positive relationships is of utmost importance to us.  Naturally, we need to know that we can fit in the society in which we live.  This means winning the approval and validation of others.  So, we strive to do things that will benefit others the best we can.  Once people see that we can perform at a suitable level, they will accept us into their circle.  This will give us assurance that we will not be rejected and face isolation.

We also learn throughout life that we must act in certain ways to gain acceptance from others.  This means being polite and minding our manners.  If we fail to, this serves as a threat that we will become known as rude, unacceptable people and rejected from social situations.  

After all, who likes dealing with rude people.  If you come across as unkind to a stranger once, you always will as they see you.

So, if you want to have plenty of friends, you know you must offer them something they can benefit from.  And just what is that you can give them?  Quite often, we resort to doing them favors and kind deeds that will make life easier for these folks.  Naturally, we would like to be of help to others whenever possible.  And to convince them we have the qualities they need, we aim to “read” these people and give them exactly the kind of help they’ll need.

But do we really need to keep pleasing our acquaintances all the time just to keep their friendships?  

Absolutely not!

WHEN PEOPLE PLEASING TAKES ITS TOLL

So, you finally became well-established within the group of people you hang out with.  Sure, it’s nice to be popular in any group, be it the workplace or club or organization you’ve joined.  And to attain the status that you’re an important member, you must have something significant to contribute to the group.  

And your contribution is to offer help wherever it is needed.  That means helping all members in need.  As members get to know you, they learn your finer skills and qualities and the many ways you can help them.  You want them to know you’re willing to go that extra mile to ensure every function in the group flows smoothly.  

So you do things like, for example: 

• donate supplies. 

• print out newsletters or fliers

• Donate items to the group 

• offer rides to those who in need of transportation

• babysit members’ kids or pets 

• bring in great snacks frequently.  

Etc, etc, etc!!!

Maybe you get a thrill watching peoples’ eyes light up by giving them a pleasant surprise!

Yes, it’s great to be a strong, valuable member to whatever group you become involved with.  You get lots of praise and pats on the back for this.  But before you know it, there will be people who will take you for granted.   

Sooner or later, you’re going to reach a point where you start to feel overwhelmed.  While you’re juggling personal duties in your busy schedule, you now have additional responsibilities, those things you once said yes to.  Not only are you busy, but your budget is getting tight.  And the more carried away you’ve gotten by saying yes, the more deeds you need to fulfill. 

Soon you’ll hit a “breaking point” and will have no choice but to cross some of these good deeds off your list, even if it means disappointing others.  You can make up stories or excuses as to why you can’t come through on some things or even say something came up.  

Lying is not a good policy.  When you lie, you’re playing with fire.  You make up facts and give false details.  And once you emit bullshit you made up, you must remember what you said.  Worst of all, something will happen, some minor event, that just doesn’t fit in with your stories.  Then what?  Suddenly, you’re trapped in a lie and this can really hurt your reputation.  

Don’t bite off more than you can chew!  You’ll look even worse spitting it out!

Your best option then is to list all the obligations you can’t meet and contact the people they concern.  Tell them in an adult-like manner that you’re sorry you can’t do such-and-such a thing by a specific time (say the next meeting).  See if they can make some other arrangements.  If you contact them ahead of time, they’ll most likely be understanding and relieve you of a load.  If they don’t, then “The hell with them!”  You don’t need to be part of a group that is unforgiving.

UNLEARNING THE PAST

For children, growing up is a hard part of life.  Everyone is critical towards them and many of them rarely, if ever, receive the amount of praise they deserve.  When we do good, we don’t always get the amount of praise we deserve.  But when we do wrong, we’re sure to hear about it.  Family members and peers are often eager to cut children down with cruel remarks when they do poorly or exhibit some form of unacceptable behavior.  

And as we grow, we amass experiences of all kinds and collect memories of being vilified.  Again, those are the engrams.  After so many years of learning through experience, we tend to form opinions or generalizations on how people are.  We remember the cruel remarks and the way people address our faults, but never seem to hear about the good deeds we’ve done.  As a result, react to people in a serious manner and fear criticism and rejection from them.  

The bottom line: nearly all people are alike, they are serious and cannot tolerate anything outside  the norm.

Not only can family members and peers be hurtful, but when they say derogative things, the comments they make can have lasting effects on us for years to come.  They can become quite demanding and take us for granted.  After receiving so many negative remarks, we then become convinced that what we hear is the truth about ourselves.  

And from dealing with the same people repeatedly, we tend to fear society as a whole.  We then think that the general public is just like those we face at school or at home.  What we have perceived as the truth then turns into fears.  We tend to think that we better help out others any time we can and if we don’t, they will react negatively.

LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO

Granted, if you are reading this, by now you’re an adult and can make decisions on your own.  It is your responsibility to see that your personal needs are met before you try to help out others.  You have your own schedule to follow and you have your time and money limitations.  You only have only so much money, time, and energy so you must look out for number one: you.  

As adults, many of us become involved in groups such as the workplace or social clubs or organizations that we’ve joined.  As members, we strive to become symbols of high status.  And to do so, we help out other people in the group anyway we can.  

Never stress yourself out over other people’s problems.

Indeed, we all have a heart inside us.  That’s fine!  When someone needs a favor we tend to pretend they’re in trouble and need our help.  If we refuse to help them when we realize we could have, we feel guilty.  Perhaps, such thinking can be karma: what goes around comes around.  When we need help, we surely like someone to be there for us.

It’s great to be nice and highly praised by the group you’re in, but don’t get carried away by helping everyone who needs favors.  You need to keep your personal limitations in mind before saying yes.  Otherwise, you may find yourself swamped with work or short on time or money.  If you’re not sure whether to help someone out or not, tell them something like “Well, I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t promise anything.”

And if you should say no to anyone, don’t worry that they’ll think badly about you.  Sure, those you grew up with may have done so, but this is the general public. Anyone needing help already knows that there’s a likelihood that no one will be able to help them.  If they can’t find help, they’ll have to deal with their problem in some other way.  

Remember:  Their problem isn’t your problem.  Don’t make it your obligation.  There’s a place where you have to draw the line.  If you fail to, then you’re putting yourself in serious jeopardy.